| yep. |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|04:01 am] |
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I'm not sorry....for any fucking thing... Anymore. |
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| AA |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|10:08 pm] |
So, after last night, I've figured out that once I get some drinks in me, I become incapable of handling myself. I knew this previously, and while I realized it was a problem before, I thought I was able to handle it on my own.
I cannot begin to identify where my problems with alcohol start. I have a drink, it should be easy enough to stop after one, but I never stop after one. And I think the problem lies therein. Normally I don't get black out drunk, but placed in the right situation (free and social), things end poorly.
My love affair with alcohol began after Justin died. I spent most of that summer drinking; as all of us, still young and naive had no clue how to handle Justin's death. In all fairness, I still don't think there's any way to bear Justin's death. It will always be somewhat of a mystery to me. The peak of that summer was one evening realizing that we spent over $120 for alcohol for maybe 5 people. That doesn't seem that substantial looking at it now, but I'm pretty sure it was more than any of us needed.
For several months in the following year, I did very well, avoiding alcohol altogether. I was certain I was in control. This year, I also lost about 50 pounds. I went back to school. I was working for a new company. I was happy for this year.
Now, I'm here. I'm not sure why things are this way. I'm okay- suffering from horrid seasonal affective disorder, but okay, all the same. I don't think the Seasonal Affective has anything to do with my drinking though, as it certainly is not a seasonal thing. I have really incredible friends. Still, whenever I drink, I do so in excess. Last night, I fell asleep standing up in a club and got kicked out as a result. Dangerously, I walked to my hotel alone. I'm certain I had no clue where I was going, and I have no clue how long it took me to get there. I also lost a $200.00 coat.
I want to be treated like an adult, and I'm pretty certain that most responsible adults don't do this.
It is time to admit my faults with alcohol and seek help. I know that I have wonderful friends that will support this action.
It is time. |
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| Weekend Summary |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|11:43 pm] |
So, anyways, I'm due for an update.
Friday: I went out with Carol, Lindsay and my mom to celebrate Lindsay being temporarily done with school. She really needed it, and I'm glad we were able to share. We spent entirely too much on dinner and drinks though. After this, Lindsay and I went out, had some superb white russians, then came back to my place and watched "Trilogy" by The Cure, their performance of Pornography, Disintegration and Bloodflowers. Passed out.
Saturday: Saturday, I got up early, worked on stuff (goal setting, finances, dishes, etc) and called my building manager re: "My heat is not working". He came up, determined that the blower motor was likely bad, and indicated the zone valve may be bad as well. After that, I went to my maternal family Christmas Party. It was great to see everybody again. I miss a lot of them, but at the same time, I always feel incredibly awkward around them, so I'm never sure if I want to/don't want to see them.
Sunday: HEADBANGERS BRUNCH. Which was incredibly awesome. Sometime before headbangers brunch, we determined that my heat will cost $500.00 + labor to fix. Queue me thinking "I wonder if money does grow on trees?". Instead of being financially responsible and trying to determine where I'm going to come up with $500, I went out and spent a couple dollars on Christmas. The next few weeks have to and need to be 100+ hour pay periods. After having a difficult weekend, I misplaced some Christmas gifts in my car, which led me to determine (prematurely, might I add) that someone stole them, which resulted in IMB (impulsive male behavior). I punched my car. Hard, might I add. We'll pretend a black walnut hit my car while I was driving down the road. Luckily, I think I can pop the dent, despite a somewhat awkward placement. Amanda and I wrapped presents and watched the deathklok Christmas special, which was pretty awesome. Shortly after Amanda left, I determined that she is a pretty awesome friend, and my phone sent her a completely nonsensical text message and deleted people from my favorite people list. Thanks, phone.
Today: First day working both jobs. Crazy. Stress. Little sleep. Good night. |
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| Dear Life, |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|10:23 pm] |
You have a funny way of showing that you wish to continue.
Regards,
Zack |
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| Dear Life, |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|08:05 pm] |
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I am lonely. Trying to do anything about that is working poorly. Can we change? Thanks! |
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| Dear Zack, |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|10:47 am] |
Yes, the stew tastes very good. However, if you eat all of it before it's done cooking, there will be none left when Amanda gets here tonight. Additionally, she may also be very, very angry when she gets here, after having not eaten in several hours and there is no stew left for her.
Sincerely,
Yourself. |
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| An epic battle. |
[Dec. 8th, 2009|10:08 pm] |
Today, I fought back against SAD. While ultimately, I really wanted to lay down and sleep all day, I did the following:
-Grocery shopping
-Prepped my condo for insect spraying, or simply took everything out from under the sinks.
-Sent Josh pics that he'd been asking for, for quite some time.
-Mailed my Aunt Brenda her birthday card
-Registered for something for my retail job
-Did dishes, attempted and cleaned most all of the kitchen.
I did not study math. As such, I need to spend 3 hours tomorrow, three hours on Friday, three hours Saturday and take my placement test on Sunday.
Next week, I not only will work my normal 40 hour job, but will work 15 hours of retail in addition. I am intimidated, but I think I'll be alright.
Tomorrow's plan:
-Wake up around 630, make breakfast. Shower. Prep ingredients for beef stew and start cooking them.
-Study 800-915
-Break, quickly go pick up some grocery items that I missed (coffee and pizza dough)
-10 AM- condo spraying starts, don't know how they order the sprayings- but I'm hoping I'll be first, I'm at the north end of the building right at the end.
-Hopefully while they are spraying, and I am waiting for them to spray I can write my dispute of property valuation to the county auditor. My property is valued at nearly twice the value I purchased it for in June.
-1015-1130- Study
-1200-130- Workout
-130-215- Come home, shower- check beef stew, add late ingredients (things that get mushy)
-215-245- Study
-300-330- R&R - maybe a nap- I'm trying to pack a ridiculous amount of stuff in to one day.
... |
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| Christmas |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|09:08 pm] |
Every year, I've made it somewhat of a policy to reflect on what's happened. I intend to do so, however, the first thing I want to share is.
I have been having a really difficult time the past few days. Every year, I experience (and most often persevere through) a near crippling case of seasonal affective disorder. This year is proving to be no exception. Today, though I started with good intentions, I accomplished almost nothing except for tearing down any self esteem that I started off with (due to some math studying and realizing that I've forgot most everything- hate how that works). I did however force myself to go hike with Cory- which was fun, and to run a video back to Blockbuster, something I forgot to do yesterday. Those seem like triumphant accomplishments, but I had way better intentions for today than that. I specifically keep finding myself struggling with a lot of loneliness. Not in a friendship sense- I have great friends, but more in a significant other type sense.
As such, over the next several months and through the winter, I may need more support than usual, and I hope that I can count of the wonderful friends I have to help provide that.
I started 2009 with Josh, Amanda, Creighton and Steph at Josh's house. I was so tanked out of my mind, I at one point took my pants off, I drunk texted a whole bunch of persons and did a whole bunch of ridiculous shit I didn't remember. On the ride home, I felt it necessary to share with Creighton and Amanda that I was gonna go home and orally pleasure everyone I could find (what I was drunk and lonely) January didn't have a whole lot of memorable events.
At the end of February, we rallied troops and went and plucked Amanda from Baltimore, and caravaned across several states at mach speed so that we could get her back to Ohio so that she could sign a lease for her new apartment. The night that we drove down there, Sam was having some car troubles. As a courtesy, a number of us all shared a prayer for Sam. That night, though I don't consider myself conventionally religious, I had an intense spiritual experience. No, I didn't find God as a being necessarily, but perhaps developed my own instance of spirituality. It had been a long time since I had felt so overwhelmed with good energy as I was that day. The energy was so pure and good, that it made my whole body tingle.
At the end of February, or early March, I took a position with the law firm I work for, effectively moving me from the Akron office, which primarily deals in docket review and processing different facets of the suit process to Cleveland, which is much more involved in processing our paperworks and supporting our huge staff of attorneys, dealing in different facets of creditor rights representation, to corporate legal representation.
Having reached my breaking point in living with my parents (we have very different considerations for living), I spent several months, beginning in February and eventually ending in June searching for new living prospects. These months of the year were intensely stressful and challenging. I can honestly say during these months, working full time (and usually some overtime), going to schol and eventually having to deal with the purchase and acquisition of a property nearly pushed me to an emotional breaking point.
Having persevered through this intense period of my life did pay off, and at the end of April, I put in an offer on a condo in the lakefront community of Lakewood. Lakewood was an easy choice, not only because of the community (it honestly to me seems like the perfect mix of suburban and city living), but because of the incentives that the community was offering, including their first time homebuyers program. All in all, the condo that I bought (which is apartment style living) ended up costing less than any other rent option available, excluding roommates, which was vetoed practically from the start.
Several months of bureacratic jump through hoops bullshit ensued (all the while I'm still in school and working with little to no time for bullshit), and ultimately, we finally closed in late May or early June and I moved in the second or third weekend in June, which took all of one day, however, settlement is ongoing. It's certainly my own now, but it's taking time to get used to and truly feel at home. I'm getting closer to calling it home everyday, though. There were some issues that occurred with the move, and while they are remembered by myself, they're better forgotten.
Having exhausted all other options, in June, we once again rallied the troops and got Amanda hired in at the firm I work for. Sam, the person who got me hired once again returned to dutifully serve. These months of working likely were some of the best and most unproductive work months of my life. Everyday was constant laughter. I think the two of us likely drove every one of our cubicle mates crazy. Amanda and I still share laughs about lots of wonderful things.
Last month, I chose to take my retail job back along with the law firm job to supplement my income through these financially difficult months.
Since June, life has been mostly status quo (and I don't mean that negatively). I've slowly grown discontent with lots of things in my life- is that a surprise? - however, I'm working to change them.
I also have a ton of things that I am really content with. Amanda, her family and I have developed a wonderful and very special friendship that I am so grateful for.
Again, as I always like to reflect on the year past, I also like to look forward to the future.
In 2010, I'd like to give special consideration to my health. When my brother died, it was an easy excuse to do one of two things- become a hypochondriac, or let my health go and pretend to have lost faith in the benefits of health care. Ultimately, since then, I've not had an actual yearly physical. My health this year, while not awful, has led to concerns a few times, and as I've said, I'd like to address those issues. I've planned to have a physical a few days before Christmas. Hopefully that can begin a relationship with a primary care physician, and better preventative and health care in general. I also hope to address the issues that I continue to have with alcohol, and handle them before they do get out of control.
I hope that in 2010, while maintaining my current friendships, that I can develop some new friendships. I am making it a goal for myself to get involved with some facet of Cleveland's development. Cleveland has been suffering, and I'm certainly glad to see a number of organizations attempting and helping Cleveland to make a recovery. We have a lot of work to do. I'm hoping that now that I'm attending a four year college, I may also be able to experience some of the things I've missed by not having the "move away and go elsewhere" college experience. I certainly would like to join some social/political clubs at school.
In 2010, I hope to become a little more financially secure. Mostly, my goals are to fight for a raise (which may be naive, considering the economic climate- but I deserve it). Additionally, I would like to begin saving for the future, as well as a big vacation a few years out (probably post undergrad).
Anyways, for the moment, I am finished. I will reread and likely write more later. |
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